We Really Need A Humor Section To Break the Tension Here, So.....

[M]

Ole is the Pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. 

One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said: 
  
DA END ISS NEAR! 
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW 
BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE! 
  
As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave     people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!" 
  
From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. 

Shakin' his head, Rev. Ole says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."  

"Yaa," Pastor Sven agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, 'Bridge Out?'"

[M]

Shampoo Warning!

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower, so when I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this claim, "FOR
EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME." 

No wonder I have been gaining weight!  Well, I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dish soap instead. Its label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE." 

Problem solved!

If I don’t answer the phone, I'll be in the shower.

[M]

Bow and  arrows - Boys are always more inventive...
 
Don't know who wrote this but he has a way with words that makes one visualize  being right there beside him. Good read. Life as a child growing up in Oklahoma .......
 
 Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner  kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in  anything that could get stuck by an arrow. 
 Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds  before it goes down? Tough sumbich.
 That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was, I  quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas  tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place
 
 One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak  stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand  new can of starting fluid (Ether). The light bulb went off in my head.
 I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably  just spray out in a disappointing manner. Lets face it, to a 10 yr old  mouth-breather like myself, (Ether), really doesn't "sound"  flammable.
 
 So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of pyrodex (black powder  for muzzle loader rifles). At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump  and opened up the can of black powder. 
 My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the (Ether) can but it all  sorta dumped out on me. No biggie, a 1 lb. pyrodex and 16 oz (Ether) should  make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know?
 You know what? Screw that I'm going back in the house for the other can. Yes,  I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too. Now we're cookin'.
 
 I stepped back about 15 ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my  cheek and took aim. 
 As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion  time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck.... OH SHOOT!
 
 He just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow  to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion  with a WTF look in his eyes. 
 I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the  starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of  pyrodex and into the can. Oh shoot.
 
 When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the  actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235  fricking decibels of sound.. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the  violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust,  grass, and bugs all hovering 1 ft above the ground as far as I could see. It  was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers,  spiders, and a worm or two..
 
 The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this... THE FRICKING DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE. There was a big  sweetgum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said  "was". That sumbich got up and ran off.
 So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my  thundercats T-Shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport  having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback:
 
 ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOU'RE BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE. DAMN IT  CEASE FIRE!!!!!
 His hat has blown off and is 30 ft behind him in the driveway. All windows on  the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling  mushroom cloud about 2000 ft. over our backyard.
 There is a Honda 185 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the  fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires.
 
 I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know - I know I  said something. I could

[M]

The longer you've been married,

 the funnier this becomes!

An old married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back

and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

[M]

Nancy & Harry
>>
>> Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, "Harry, I 
>> have a plan to win back Middle America in 2012!"
>>
>> "Great Nancy, but how?" asked Harry.
>>
>> "We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most middle Americans wear, 
>> then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador Retriever. Then, we'll go to 
>> a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and 
>> respect we have for the hard working people living there."
>>
>> So they did, and they found just the place they were looking for in 
>> Bozeman, Montana.
>>
>> With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.
>>
>>
>>
>> The bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Harry Reid and 
>> Nancy Pelosi?"
>>
>>
>>
>> "Yes we are!" said Nancy, "And what a lovely town you have here. We were 
>> passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color."
>>
>> They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar and started chatting up 
>> a storm with anyone who would listen.
>>
>> A few minutes later, a grizzled old farmer came in, walked up to the 
>> Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders 
>> and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walked 
>> up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head 
>> and left the bar. For the next hour, another dozen farmers came in, lifted 
>> the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads.
>>
>> Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old farmers come in and look 
>> under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"
>>
>> "Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, 
>> claiming there's a Labrador Retriever in here with two assholes!"

[M]

It's a good start Catherine. A real good start.

[Catherine Linton]

Good jokes! Here's one: Two suicide blondes (dyed by their own hand) were sitting together on a summer evening, gazing at the night sky. One blonde says to her friend, "which do you think is closer, Florida or the moon"? "Helloooo," second blonde says, "Can you see Florida from here?"

[M]

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barrack Obama meets a man with a beard.

'Are you Mohammed?' he asks.

'No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohammed is higher up.' Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'

'Why no,' he answers, 'I am Moses; Mohammed is higher still.'

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again, he discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'

'No, I am Jesus, the Christ the Alpha and the Omega,; you will find Mohammed higher up.'

Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man, oh man! Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs ever higher. Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question: 'Are you Mohammed?' he
gasps as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.

'No, my son, I am The Almighty, God the Father, but you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?'

Obama says, 'Yes please!' As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and yells out: 'Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!'

Keep your trust in God; and remember that your president is an idiot.

[M]

The Pilot and the Priest   A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.   Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ? '   The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.'     Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.   Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'   Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.   'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?   'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'

********************************************************************************************************************************

[M]

Flying on Obama's Jet.   .........Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a  $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy. Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills  out of the window and make ten people very happy. Michelle added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.. Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the  window and make 256 million people very happy.'

[Catherine Linton]

Friend, you picked the wrong week to kick XBOX,